Corona - Friendships Revived

I am about to attend the Nth zoom call with my college friends.

Through the weeks, we have piled up topics that need to be discussed in the next one. The list is growing every day.Probably, quite natural when you have 15 years of catching up to do.

Yes, you got that right, we finished our engineering in 2005 and went our own ways.

We have been connected on social media.Met 1-1 when we were in the same city but never all together, not even virtually.Until now, in the 'new normal' when we suddenly realized that video calls work. 

I believe all of us went through this, what I now term as the corona friendship revival process.Triggered by fear of Corona, forced to stay at home/work from home.

In the first step, it was realizing the gravity of the situation.

In the next, we got into a complaining mode.

Naturally we needed people in our vicinity to vent out our emotions.

So, family members and neighbors were the quick access confidants.

Then came a wave where connects/online games were scheduled with family and friends.

Along with it, the upskilling in cooking, baking, gardening - the indoor activities happened.

Eventually we landed up also activating old friendships.The contacts with people from school/college/previous organizations, which we had dropped somewhere on the way, made.

The reconnect wasn’t comfortable.

It was awkward in the beginning like any first interaction.
We have moved ahead in personal and professional life, few are married, few have kids, few single.
Few decided to have their own business, few continuing in the corporate world, few making a great mark, few just struggling to keep up.

Each person with their own life story, their own scars that doesn’t make it easy to openly share. 

We started by sharing the good things, things we are proud of.

Then going down the memory lane and remembering incidents from the past.

Memories that make us laugh, discussion of crushes, love stories that resulted in marriages and ones which fell apart.

Gradually moving towards sharing our life story, the learning - the experiences- the sadness.

While this is happening, I am observing and reflecting on human nature.

The behavioral pattern has not changed at all for example - few express more than the others, few emote more, few boast, few observe (and few write ;) ) .

So is the case with interpersonal relationships, with the friends I was close to during college, they understand my thoughts - I don’t need to say it, even on a video call.

It is almost like we picked up friendships where we had left them. 

I am sure many of us appreciate the friends they got back. Let's face it - it is not easy to make friends from professional world and how many people do we meet outside work?

While i am happy to be reconnected, a part of me knows and fears that things might start falling apart yet again when life gets back to normal.Our work, our travels, our commitments will occupy us. Once again, distant friendships might take the hit unless we make the extra effort of keeping the virtual connections alive.

This phase has got our old support system back to life. Now the choice is ours - to treat this as a filler during the lock down or to nurture it and look back at it, in 15 years from now, as the phase that revived friendships.

Business - A Team Sport

I play a team sport (cricket) as part of a local club. I am neither the coach nor the captain, I am a team player - talented and interested in batting, decent at fielding, not so skilled in bowling but very passionate about the game. I also work in an esteemed organization, leading a team of 30+ skilled professionals.

While I switch between the two roles of being a player and a professional, mostly keeping the two worlds separate, there are times when I end up drawing similarities between the two.

Using this quarantine time, I want to share my observations from sports that can be treated as learning for business.


1. Common Goal
Sports: Every game we play, we aim to win. That is the common goal and that unites the team. No internal competition, no finger pointing. When we win, it is a team win. When we lose, we regroup and capture what we learnt.
For a specific game one person can perform less than his/her potential, however it is not considered as a lack of skill.
Learning for Business: While we work in teams, sometimes we are closely tied from an organizational standpoint and sometimes loosely coupled, getting together for a specific purpose. In all cases, there is a goal, that goal should unite the team. There should be no internal competition and no finger pointing. Every successful business interaction is a team win and every unfruitful interaction a learning experience.
A person need not be judged by their performance on one task.
                
2. Respect the Uniqueness
Sports: In cricket there are a range of roles that come into use like Batting, Fielding, Bowling. On average, a person is expected to have two skills. There are few all-rounders. This is considered just fine, the expectation isn’t that every person is skilled and interested in everything. There are times when a person needs to play a role, one is not skilled in.
The all-rounders are not the only ones selected for every game.
The uniqueness of players is respected and in fact maximized during a game.
Learning for Business: Every person in a team, even if specific to a technology/area, will have their strengths and weaknesses. Two skill patterns, primary and secondary, can easily be mapped. The aim should be to maximize the strengths. Looking for one multi skilled person and engaging only that person for every topic will on one hand push that person away and on the other fail to leverage other team members' skill. The uniqueness of your team members needs to be respected.


3. Opportunity to Train in Other Areas
Sports: While we all have our preferred skill and love enhancing it, we train together and while training try other skills as well. This lets us grow continuously. For example - I am not a bowler and have not managed to upskill to it yet, nonetheless, the fact that I train to bowl every now and then, has made me a better batter as I understand the mindset of a bowler more.
Learning for Business: Letting your team enhance their skills in different areas is not harmful. It might in fact make them better in their core skill. Allow your team the opportunity to grow and upskill.


4. Essence of A Coach and Role of Captain
Sports: We have two distinct roles, a coach who understands the skill set of the team. Has a plan for each player, with a view of that person's interest, skill and aspirations. The other role is that of a captain who leads the match, creates and implements a strategy game by game to ensure a win.
Learning for Business: For a successful setup, teams should have both a coach and a captain.
As a leader, be clear about the role you are playing for your team, if you are responsible for team growth then you need to be a coach. If you are responsible for getting a task done/project delivered, you have taken on the role of a captain. If you have to play both the roles, play both the roles, do not miss out on one because of the other. Both roles are equally important.
More often than not there is a lack of coach in a team, so as a team member, identify your mentor if no formal role like that exists.


5. Mutual Respect and Support
Sports: There is a sense of belonging within a team and this is very nicely layered with mutual respect and support. As a matter of fact, everyone is not close to each other - a few are friends while others stay as acquaintances. There is, however, no enmity.
Learning for Business: As an individual, it is not expected that you like everyone. Still it is key that you put your differences aside and come together as a team. Being neutral is fine, being negative is not, mutual respect and support is key.


6. Acknowledge Passion/Common Interest
Sports: We acknowledge our love for the sport. We are all connected by this common interest. It is quite evident and celebrated.
Learning for Business: If you belong to one team (Sales/Marketing/and so on), you are connected by a common interest.Acknowledge this passion, it is the heart of what you and your team does.


7. Keep the Fun Alive
Sports: We are serious and competitive about the games we play but how can it be a hobby if there is no fun? We keep the fun alive, there is positivity in the team and it shows.
Learning for Business: Do not get too mechanical, hierarchical, stuck with territorial mindset in your role and team. Sure, you have a role to play and a task to do, but be agile, keep the human side alive.


8. Get to know each other beyond tasks
Sports: As a team we plan socials/networking events that give us the opportunity to know each other beyond the game. This bonding shows during our matches.
Learning for Business: Connectivity is important. If you meet as a team solely for business discussions you will never share a bond. Take the chance to get to know your team beyond what the CV and Excel record states.


9. Recognition and Appreciations
Sports: We have annual and end of game awards but that is not all, we also appreciate the team members on small achievements. Just recognizing and cheering a teammate for good fielding/catches/shots puts a person in a positive zone and guess what? It costs nothing.
Learning for Business: End of year appraisals are important but not the only way to appreciate your team members, one compliment is enough to boost someone's morale and it costs nothing :)


10. Art of Unlearning and Learning
 Sports: I realized this while reading an article on unlearning, in order to master a specific technique while playing. There is a process of unlearning and learning involved, it starts with acknowledging your weakness and working on improving it. For example - as a batter I always played across, no straight shots because I was tuned to play like that since childhood. It took me quite a bit to realize this weakness and learn to play straight- it gradually happened.
Learning for Business: Start with acknowledging that something that worked before and you perfected, might not work today. Pick up the art of unlearning and learning.


My goal by sharing my findings, is not to claim that only sports people are team players. The goal is to acknowledge the possibility to leverage learnings from a team-sport into business, as team work is pivotal to both.
We as individuals can continue to focus on our own professional progress even by being team players/team captain/team coach, there is much more to gain when the energy of a team is channeled . I enjoy playing both roles and am invested in them. I feel business, in many ways, is like a team sport!

The 2nd Chance

Let’s start with a situation where someone has failed to fulfill your expectations and broken your trust, in a  personal or professional setup.

How many chances are you willing to give to this person?

Scientifically, something that has been proven 3 times, is considered a fact. Being an engineer, I have performed experiments three times, to certain the results. So, my brain allows 3 chances.

Matters involving emotions are quite different though. While the concept of 2^nd chance is so common and easily quoted, will you be able to trust the person again?

Even one failed chance puts you in a zone where forgetting things and trusting the person, allowing a 2^nd chance becomes extremely difficult. 

Implying only one chance shapes most of our relationships and emotional ties.

Though I have also seen quite a few of my friends, giving unlimited chances to people they love. As a third person, I see them being taken for granted and heading towards more pain. I feel that they have been taken for granted and might never be valued by the other person.

Now let’s take a case that you are the person who, for whatever reasons, made a mistake and broke someone’s trust. You will desperately want a 2^nd chance. I would too, to make things right. Getting a 2^nd chance in this case seems just right doesn’t it?

My logical brain and emotional being has come to a compromise. I have capped things to 2^nd chance.

For me, the 2^nd chance is the deal shaper/breaker.Yes that means i will not hesitate to point out to a person that i am disappointed at the 1st go and will  walk away on a failed 2nd chance.

I will however like to know your thoughts, how many chances are you willing to give and what is your reason behind it?

Happy Birthday dear friend !

Having a friend is like having a support system

someone you can depend on

Having a friend is like having a shoulder

the one you can cry on

Having a friend is like having a smile

with those little moments that make everything worthwhile

Having a friend is like having a way to vent it out

the best way to keep your sanity on

Having a friend is having a confidant

a person who does not let you down

Having a friend is having a personal advisor

quite a bit to learn and get guidance from

Having a friend is telepathy in action

there is so much said just by a glance

Having a friend is having you in life  :)

and so i love to celebrate the day you were born

Happy Birthday dear friend !

(Wrote this for a friend on her birthday, just adding it here to keep in repository)

Long Way To Go!

Strangely the last few months have made me experience friction with a few people around me. One thing common about these people is the fact that I, in general, like them.They are good people and they excel in their skill.That triggers my instinct to observe , investigate and to pen this down ...

We have heard that with power comes responsibility but little do we realize that with power comes limelight followed by confidence and then gradually ego kicks in. Don’t get me wrong, taking pride in your achievements is required, however the moment you start marking your territory you start blocking people out.That ,even if it seems to work for a bit, is not sustainable.

We humans, were created to be social beings.Being reluctant to absorb ideas from others, not acknowledging their skill or effort  - cannot take you far. How much can you achieve stand-alone? Will people willingly support you if they dislike your behavior ? 

Collaboration is the key and I cannot imagine how anything can be worked out without emotional intelligence . We have moved away from the hierarchical style of working, this is one aspect adapted even in professional organizations.In this new era, how can anyone “order”/“demand” someone to carry out a task their way ? No matter what bond or relationship you share ... you have to convince and get the person on board with your idea, recommend implementation options, merge ideas from them into yours and work collectively.

Gone are the days when one person could dictate ...no one and absolutely , no one is tied to you.No matter how skilled you are. If you let your ego come in between, you will gradually start cutting out people from your support system.

In my case, even though I still like these individuals - i took a step back, it limited my desire to support them.I will rather invest my time in people who resonate with my thought process , people who believe that mutual respect leads to mutual gains.

My take away (and  recommendation to you if you are open to it ) is - try to keep things simple , stay humble ,harmonize with the world around you .No matter what you have achieved, this is not all , you have a long way to go !



CHANGE

The inevitable change...

Life never stays the same, we might just go from one day to the other living it like a routine.

However, there is a bigger force acting upon us every single second altering our life bit by bit.

We might often complain about mundane activities even though the people around us,the weather and we ourselves are becoming different from what we were.

Yet when you are hit by a situation that looks entirely different from the past, you realize how difficult it is to adapt to new changed living. Change of location,job,attachment  and losses being the top ones.

The changes that impact you emotionally are the hardest ones to cope with. They have the power to drive you sad.

My Mom has shared the unbeatable formula to make your way through these changes - it is rather simple "Let life happen to you" .

It starts with not letting yourself think about the change itself but rather concentrating on the routine task.

Work/Gym/Cooking/Cleaning everything mechanical , keeping emotions - negative thoughts afar .Every time u start with "oh but why me...??"Hush hush hush and move along. Get that task on your to do list done, before thinking more. It is really mind control , very much what meditation teaches. Focusing on one thing vs the other. It takes time to accept the change itself and getting back to the positive zone, use your routine tasks as the transition phase.

Then gradually look for things that make you feel happy, could be setting fitness targets, could be getting appreciation for a new dish you cooked ...those little things will get your smile back and gradually you will accept the change you had originally gone through.

For all we know, the change you dreaded so much, might turn out to be the one moment that will impact your life, leading you to pleasant thing/things you always desired. 

A little spiritual aspect - our journey of life is like a car travelling on a road at night.What we see is the next 200m of the path because of the headlight .The bumpy road ahead that we see ,makes us feel horrible ,though we have no clue how the rest of the road is.The complete path of your life, your destination is all well planned .Trust that it might eventually be great  ...let this 200m /the phase of change pass. You have an amazing next phase in the waiting - only for YOU !



That person called Friend

It took my little niece fraction of a second to answer my question: "What is your friend's name?". She did not have to think much to take the names of few of her classmates. More than my question, her quick answer got me thinking—do we all realize the value and feel the worth of this no-string-attached-yet-powerful-relation called “friendship”?

I cannot recall at what age I first realized that this is the one main relationship we earn in life, all others being blood relationships (by birth) or destined (related to partner, as we particularly believe in India). It is indeed true that we make many friends, almost at every stage of our life. Triggers for this bond of friendship could be a common interest, similar thoughts and various other things. Sometimes this bond is very casual and need-based—something like a social requirement, something that helps us fight boredom. However, there are some bonds which grow into something special and nurture into very beautiful relationships for life. It is these attachments that amaze me the most and I treat them as real "friendship". This friendship is unconditional; it isn’t need-based and most importantly, it is forever!

Feeling the pain of another person even though this person is not part of your family (extended or acquired) seems like the most unselfish feeling. People who feel so for someone or have someone who feels like that for them are very lucky.

While a true friendship is very special, in today’s fast-paced world, the bond sometimes turns out to be fragile, easy to neglect and caught in ego/misunderstandings. In our chase of life—running behind money, fame, family, fun etc. we tend to miss out on that person whose shoulder we last cried on, that person who celebrated our happiness like his/her own, that person who danced on our wedding, that person who advised us when we most needed it... if reading these lines gives a name to "that person", break the ice and reach out to your friend RIGHT AWAY!

The new-age disease called depression/stress is growing like plague especially in middle-aged people. By means of this illness which primarily stems from our own insecurities in this urban rat race, where we run after money and materialistic happiness all the time, we are giving way to multiple money making institutions which make use of our emotional weakness. The best cure to it might be an answer to the same simple question I asked my niece: "What is your friend's name?". You surely will have one that rings a bell. The number doesn’t matter. It’s the feeling that matters. It’s the bond that matters .Such is the power of this person called friend.